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Feb. 4th, 2005 @ 01:01 pm "just think of this and me as just a few of many things..."
Has anyone ever read a short story book called "The Pearl"?

I did a while back in English II and I still remember it. It was an amazing book. Great moral and great story line.

I think I want to write a book. But only with a good storyline. I'm not too worried about a good moral because I have come to the conlusion that I don't really have good morals. I don't really stand for anything, and I'm a giant pushover. So how good could I really make a moraled story?





Oh yeah, I made a pact with a voice that goes to a face that I have only created. I said I would always live like things were only looking up, like things were for the best no matter what. Doesn't that sound fun?
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Feb. 2nd, 2005 @ 12:38 am "scene missing, fade to black"
I want to show you all the entrance to my dream:

the walls were darkly hidden by a shadow that was colored by a sad hint of blood.
the small corridor was uniquely quiet.
the area was lit by one small, dangling light at the door at the other end.

I walked for hours only to keep wishing I could reach that last door. only to find out I would never know what had been lying beyond that dark green door with the very old and very used gold door knob.





So, last night was strange to say the least.

And today was quite odd. School is nothing more than a breeding place for cliques, groups, and lovely (ever-so-lovely) people. I fell asleep and nothing happened. I didn't get in trouble. I didn't even get woken up.

I talked to her. I said hi. I explained that besides being very uncomfortable, I was pleased to see she was there today.

She smiled and flipped her hair over her left shoulder.

And without a single word, turned and walked down the hallway to the second-to-last door and prepared for class as if she had never even crossed my path.

I was not ready for that.
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Jan. 31st, 2005 @ 11:40 pm "I can laugh all I want, inside I still am empty"
I was wring letters to people in my past and I came across a name I had long forgotten.

I wanted so badly to know why I remember this person. I want to know what excuse this person had for leaving all of us behind. I mean it was obviously for personal gain, but why couldn't this person just stick around and become a failure like the rest of us. So I threw that letter away.



Today I met someone. No one special, just a person who made me realize I can't live alone and be content with life.

This girl was so annoyingly perfect. The way she smiled, the way she laughed. Even the stupid way she blinked made me think of how nice it would be to have someone I could call after class or after work and just visit and lay with and call my own.

I remember I was sitting in class writing a verse for this thing I'm writing and she walked by the window. It was like a scene from one of those black and white romance movies but in color. She walked by and my verse went from dark and secluded to bright and alone. (i hate my writing styles these days)

I just want to find a way to figure out how to confront someone. How to ask someone to a show, or to dinner, or to get something to drink without sounding like the "lonely jackass that needs to find a girl." (You know those guys I'm talking about, the ones that hang out around the coffee machines at work, the guys that hang out at the vending machines at schools, the guys that sit at a strip club every night imagining that the stripper will actually go hoem with him and start a relationship with him.) I don't want to seem like that kind of guy, because I am not that kind of guy.
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Jan. 28th, 2005 @ 05:36 pm I believe it's time for an explanation
Okay, (this is to people that actually read this)

The other day a close friend of mine asked me, "What would your past be like in your eyes? What would things that happen be like if it happened exactly the way you saw it?"

I thought about that. I figured out that every single person in the world has things they want to say or want to explain, but they can't because everything that happens is distorted by your views. I mean when something happens, you can explain it exactly as YOU saw it, not as others did.

That is exactly why I started this. I am taking a class that has recently taught me that writing things out makes life make sense. I completely disagree but there is something in there that makes sense.

But I have also chose to change everything (including my name, the city I live in, the names of my friends, and the name of my band and even work) just because, as stated before, this is the "distorted version" of what happened.

This is my distorted version.

So if you have decided to no longer read (concidering I just started a few days ago) then i thank you for even reading this far.

Thanks,
Chris
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Jan. 27th, 2005 @ 12:36 am (the letter I should have sent)
Dear Heidi,


I still see you whenever it rains and images of our times together flicker through my mind. I used to whisper how much I loved you, but I made sure you couldn't hear me. I was always so scared to be around you because I knew one day you would realize that you would be better off without me, that I was holding you back, that I wasn't good enough for you.


Please let me let you go. I promise I don't want to, but I have to. I really do.


Love always,

Chris

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Jan. 25th, 2005 @ 10:30 am Things [he]'d Do To Get [her]
+Take her to dinner
+Call her every day
-Steal
-Lie
-Avoid anyone she wanted
-Let things go
+Write about her everyday
+Think about her everyday
-Fall apart when she's away
-Buy her everything she asked for
-Change his every way of living

+/-Pull the trigger...LET THIS STOP!!!
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